Wedding Day Blues

With permission from my girl friends (***names have been withheld hehehe), I decided to touch on this marriage 'thing' that many Filipina women approaching their mid-twenties are worried about.

It's the same old story: if you're single you're wondering when you'll meet THE one or if you'll ever find him. If you're in a relationship, you're either doubting if he's THE one or if you've convinced yourself that he is... you're asking when the hell will he go down on his knees and pop the big question and what you would do if he did.

I guess you could blame it on our culture, our parents got married young, relatives asking when you will tie the knot or asking where your boyfriend is and the whole damn biological timeclock ticking away(which my brother had to explain to me when I turned 20 because I was so clueless there was actually a term for it!) and let's face it, most girls are programmed to want babies (and soon!). It also doesn't help that even if older people tell us that we should wait until we're fully ready, that in high school or even college, romance novels with the same plot were passed around ... gorgeous young girl/ careeer woman who has issues meets handsome, rich, (fill in the blanks for whatever rocks your world) man (who she either hated from the start or it was love at first sight), who then sweeps her off her feet. They make slow passionate love. They fight about something. The guy makes up for it big time. They make looove again. Then they get married and live happily ever after. They should really burn those books. I bet you girls who got pregnant early used to secretly devour books like that all the time. (disclaimer: no that was just a silly generalization... i know it's not true. It's really because they don't use condoms or birth control pills :P)

What I don't get though is why at one point of our young young lives in between dreaming of prince charming and those romance novels, we all decided we'll be married by 25 or 26... for the extra romantic (bordering on obsessed hehe just kidding) dreamers it was 23 or right after college! Oh and of course we'll get married to our first true love... nevermind that at 17, our concept of love was based on movies and books. Admit it! Do you know anyone who didn't say that before?! (i'm guilty...)

(Ofcourse, there are some wonderful exceptions, those whom you know were really destined to be together. Those couples who light up the whole room with their chemistry and love. You know they're together for all the right reasons. It doesn't matter how young they were, you just knew... Like Nikki and Apit-ah. Aww... But they're exceptions for a reason that they hardly hardly ever happen at our age)

Going back to what I was babbling about... One of my girl friends, let's call her Kitty, told me... You know if this doesn't work out with ***, I might just consider being an old maid. And she's only 22!!!!! When told that there are so many guys out there, she said " yeah but they're all so...MEN! (typical jerks)" so she doesn't want to look around anymore. And this one friend of mine who called saying he so wasn't ready to get married but he got the girl pregnant so he has to marry her. Or one of my friends who said "I'm wasting my 20s waiting for the ring that might not even come." Or someone who said "He's never around but he's still the one". It's all very tragic to hear from young people with their whole lives ahead of them. We're chained down to promises we told ourselves when we had no idea what it took to make a marriage work. (disclaimer again: this is not to say that the men they're with aren't worth it. I don't want to be held responsible for break ups :P)

Here is what I think ( and this might only work for me ok so don't send me hate mail after and yes you can laugh at me if I end up alone or if I end up marrying young too-- but it's my life to live and mess up so bleh!) :

Before thinking about marriage, live your dreams first. Make sure you've done everything (and everyone if that's your thing) you want to do. Find out who you are and what you really want. Put yourself and your feelings and selfish wants and whatever issues you want to resolve before anything else because once you get married that's it honey, you have to always have to think twice, once for yourself and another for your husband and thrice if you have a child. You should marry because you want to share your full life with someone, not because you need someone to complete you, support you or make you feel validated and loved. And holy mother of God, please don't marry just because you're reaching your target expiration date (25-26-27-28). Atlhough I can understand it (believe me I do have my moments and those closest to me know that), you're only setting yourself up for resentment, resignation and all the other f*cked up things that happen to unhappy wives.

You deserve the best. You deserve laughter in all your married years. You deserve to be one of those sweet old couples we all get teary eyed staring at. You deserve to grow old with the love of your life not Mr. He's Ok/Security. And if it means waiting for that perfect one to arrive or waiting for someone to fully bloom and be ready then wait!!! 5-10 years of waiting seems like an eternity... but hello... being married lasts forever. We don't do divorce (which I think should be allowed in the Phils!) and being Catholic and all that marriage-is-a-sacrament (for non-Catholics it means it's permanent, sacred, irreversible and irrevocable unless you get annulled meaning the marriage NEVER took place in the first place), we'd probably settle for being unhappy (because he's not THAT bad and what about the kids) and live in quiet desperation than do something to claim back our lost years.

Think of your future, not just what you want now (hello do we really know what we want at 23 or 24?) If you're scared you won't get to play with your children or relate to them because the gap will be too big, then start exercising (yes you lazy! thin does not equate to fit, shopping is not a sport, dieting is not the same as cardio), take care of your health, and keep learning. Parents can keep up not just because of their age but because they keep an open mind, they sincerely care about what goes on in our lives enough to watch our tv shows, listen to our music, learn the lingo (even if it makes us wince when they talk like us) and all the things that matter. They listen before they judge us. They don't go "well during OUR time..." and they make time for us and make us feel important. You can do all those things no matter how old you are. And there's always plastic surgery hahaha.

And for those told by parents to marry for security... please take charge of your life. It's shitty and it's hard and it won't be pretty and for a time, you might not be able to buy the prada, gucci, lv bags that we're used to but it'll be worth it. Won't it be so wonderful to look at someone you love and think wow I love him in the truest sense of the word... no ifs, buts or reasons. I just really love him. It'll give you freedom to love anyone you want to love. I'm not saying marry a bum or someone who doesn't have direction, ok. I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't say I want to end up with someone who will spoil me (but there are other means of being spoiled :). I'm just saying that if security is an issue, then claim that security and make it yours. Have the power to pamper yourself. Don't let anyone control that part of your life. Think about your children if things go wrong and Mr. Right turns out to be Mr. Hyde. We can't all run back to our parents.

I know it's a scary phase. We're at the stage where we feel we're too old to play around (sorry to the older ones reading this) and that we're too old to mess up whatever fantastic but not so perfect relationships we have over some slim chance of finding another one who could be better than what we have. But we're also feeling we're too young to think about Mr. Right and we just want to explore options. So either:
1) DON'T GET CAUGHT (hahaha),
2) Be honest and cut clean because you respect the person you're with,
3) Appreciate what you have and learn to be content,
4) Say I do to the first person who proposes to you or pressure your present boyfriend (please don't do it, it's a stupid suggestion),
5) Get over your 25-27 hang-up and live your life the way you want to live it with or without someone,
6) Do charity work because it's a good way to spend your time waiting (hehe I just added this last part.. but really it will do wonders for the soul and it's good penance for anyone with guilty secrets)

At the end of the day, know that it's your life and people have no right to judge your decisions and make you feel bad about the things you want (unless it's exag na ... don't be pilosopo). No one else knows your relationship except you and your boy. Though it's good to listen and ask for advice, do what makes you happy and do it in a way you can live and deal with. I just hope you won't be hurting yourself and those you say you love.

(And for one of my dear dear besties who is going to get married (I won't say who until she says it), I just know in my heart that you're doing it for the right reasons. I'm proud of you for taking the leap. You make us believe that we will find The One, that person who is imperfectly perfect for us. And I'm so happy that your search is finally over and you really did end up with a man worth all your tears and shitty past experiences. You'll make a wonderful bride and wife and mother. I can't wait to be at your garden wedding, see you walk down that aisle, looking beautiful, radiant, confident and truly in love. May God bless your union and all your days together! I love love love you!)

And to everyone else searching out there... I think the first step to getting what you want is to believe that you deserve it and that you will find it! You will find crazy movie love! You will find him! There aren't any perfect relationships or perfect men but there is danger in thinking there's a time limit because you might just be forcing yourself to think that what you have is the whole package when maybe it's not (and in the deepest deepest part of your heart you know he isn't, you're just to scared to give him up). And please, if a guy cheats on you or abuses you physically, emotionally and psychologically... JUST LEAVE!

Lastly, something random and totally unrelated... I wanna put the lyrics of One Hello.. this cheesy love song from the 70s or 80s. Because I just feel like it. It's my blog anyway. So here it is. Sing along if you wish...

One Hello

If you're not afraid
Of what love brings
Then endings are beginnings
Of beautiful things

Its a chance you'll take
It's a chance you'll win
If someone's gonna find you
First you gotta let them in
Coz love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now its easy letting go

One hello is how it starts
You might win it all or lose your heart
If you're not afraid
Of what you feel
Then try and keep it simple
Or try and keep it real
And if being real means
Means you'll some day will say goodbye

Remember my friend
Goodbyes not the end
Its a circle you know
And it starts with one hello


Well for us it starts with... "HOW YOU DOIN'?" hahaha...

My beautiful cousin, Ate Lia and our new Kuya Benji! (Side story: I organized Ate Lia's birthday party years ago so I can meet Benji and she told me... Please don't scare him off he's not used to super tight families hehehe) They've both sorted out their issues before getting married in their 30somethings. You should see them together and how they handle their relationship. They even have rules on how to fight fair! (Ate Li! I need a copy I lost mine hahaha) It pays to wait.